I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
