420 ftw
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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