why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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