Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
