Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
