My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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