come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
