Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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