Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
