i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
