FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
