Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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