omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
