Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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