I heard we made out
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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