i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
