sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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