I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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