Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
