Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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