We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
