I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Sober January is a disaster.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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