I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love you. Go after that dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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