i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Semen is not good for contacts.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
