Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
