So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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