I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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