I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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