I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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