I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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