i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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