Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
