you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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