Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
