everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
