I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
