is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
