hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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