Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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