So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
