Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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