That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize