Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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