my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
