i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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