in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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