I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
