Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
where are my eyebrows?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
