i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
