dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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