happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize