I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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