Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
