How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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