i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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