"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
