I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Drake has all the answers
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
