My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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